In this episode, we talked about:
- Why “the one” is subjective and changes with age
- How childhood and early dating shape unrealistic expectations
- Trust as a non-negotiable foundation
- Financial security vs financial compatibility
- Being someone’s “constant” through life changes
- Family values and integrating into each other’s families
- Loyalty, boundaries, and observing behaviour
- Aligning on future plans (marriage, kids, lifestyle)
- Communication styles and love languages
- Religion, interracial relationships, and commitment in Malaysia
- Trusting intuition vs overthinking
Listen to the full episode now:
“The idea of ‘the one’ changes as you grow — not because your standards drop, but because you understand yourself better.”
Timestamp:
- 0:00 intro
- 1:03 “the one” is subjective
- 1:27 the idea of “the one” when we were younger
- 3:51 the criterias you have for “the one” changes as you grow older
- 8:10 trust as a criteria
- 11:06 financially secure as a criteria
- 20:42 constant as a criteria
- 24:06 similar family values as a criteria
- 30:34 loyalty as a criteria
- 32:33 similar future plans as a criteria
- 34:15 communication and love language as a criteria
- 41:18 religion as a criteria
- 46:10 wrap up
- 47:44 outro
“Marriage isn’t about getting married — it’s about choosing each other when things get hard.”
Connect With RJ:
RJ’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rwdjimjam/
Detailed Summary:
Introduction
In this second episode of the Wedding Diaries mini-series on Small Girl Big Talk, Wendy sits down again with close friend Rawaida Jimi (RJ) to unpack one of the biggest — and most subjective — questions in adulthood: How do you know he’s really the one?
Rather than offering a checklist or a one-size-fits-all answer, this episode explores how the idea of “the one” evolves as we grow older, gain life experience, and become clearer about our values. Through personal stories, honest reflections, and difficult but necessary conversations, Wendy and RJ break down the criteria that truly matter when deciding who to commit to for life.
From Fairytales to Reality
Both Wendy and RJ reflect on how their younger selves viewed “the one” through a fairytale lens — shaped by movies, family expectations, and simplistic ideas of love. When you’re younger, the criteria often centre around physical attraction, chemistry, and the idea of a “perfect” partner.
As adulthood sets in — careers, finances, family responsibilities, heartbreak, and healing — the definition of “the one” inevitably shifts. Perfection fades, and what replaces it is depth, alignment, and emotional safety.
How Criteria Change As You Grow
RJ shares how dating conventionally attractive men in her early twenties taught her that good looks don’t equal trust or emotional security. Over time, her list of criteria narrowed — not because her standards dropped, but because they became more intentional.
Wendy echoes this sentiment, explaining how being in a long-term relationship reshaped her understanding of partnership. Marriage, unlike dating, raises the stakes: it’s about choosing someone you can rely on through illness, career changes, financial uncertainty, and personal growth.
Trust, Financial Security & Being Someone’s Constant
Trust emerges as one of the strongest themes in the conversation — not just fidelity, but the absence of suspicion, control, and emotional micromanagement. Both women agree that a relationship without trust slowly becomes suffocating.
Financial security is discussed not as marrying someone “rich,” but as choosing a partner who is responsible, transparent, and trustworthy with money. They touch on financial compatibility, lifestyle expectations, and how mismatched socioeconomic backgrounds can quietly strain a relationship.
RJ introduces the idea of “constant” as her core criterion — someone who stays, even when circumstances change. Careers shift, money comes and goes, people evolve — but commitment means choosing each other through those changes.
Family Values, Loyalty & Shared Futures
For Wendy, family is non-negotiable. Growing up in a loving but imperfect household shaped her belief that marriage isn’t just about two people — it’s about blending families, values, and long-term responsibilities. Seeing Kevin integrate naturally into her family gave her confidence that he could be “the one.”
RJ shares a contrasting perspective shaped by her experience of a broken family and witnessing the consequences of infidelity. For her, loyalty isn’t abstract — it’s observed in behaviour, consistency, and respect, even in small moments.
They also discuss the importance of shared future plans: whether it’s children, lifestyle choices, or long-term goals, misalignment here can become a dealbreaker if left unspoken.
Communication, Love Languages & Religion
The conversation turns inward as they unpack communication styles and love languages — and how incompatibility here can quietly erode a relationship over time. Wendy opens up about navigating differing love languages with Kevin, and how expressing love differently doesn’t mean loving less.
RJ discusses religion as a deeply personal but unavoidable criterion in her relationship, sharing the emotional weight of interracial and interfaith relationships in Malaysia. Matt’s willingness to convert became a defining moment — not because it was expected, but because it reflected commitment, respect, and choice.
Trusting Your Intuition
As the episode wraps up, both women emphasise that beyond logic, lists, and advice, intuition matters. Overthinking can distort reality — but persistent doubt rooted in intuition shouldn’t be ignored. Knowing “the one” isn’t about certainty; it’s about alignment, peace, and shared commitment.
